but the last year to year and a half has felt like a wringer... pressing, crushing, quashing. at times, i cannot lie, it has felt like our very lives being wrung. but mostly... usually, for me, it is my faith.
and as i have questioned God, experienced deep anger and disappointment towards Him that I somehow circumvented these nearly 20 years i've loved Him, i have found that He is not intimidated by my pain or my questions. my anger does not force Him to back away. but instead, He moves in.
closer to me. closer to my pain. closer to my unanswered ideas about Him. and He stays with me there.
and that's beautiful.
moreover, recently reading 1 peter.... "genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine..." i will say this about my journey thus far in the wringer of my faith... it remains. though i have had messy spots, though i have experienced deeply troubling times... it still remains. and the fact that it is genuine comforts me greatly and affirms my relationship with my God. it carries me, albeit shakingly at times, to tomorrow.
i will never let you down, i will never walk off and leave you. hebrews 13:5