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Perspective

1/26/2016

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"Don't even knock," I say firmly, shutting my bedroom door and locking it. Sometimes a mom just can't. I curl up on the bed for a moment to escape another emotional outburst of today's two brokenhearted girls.

My own heart is a mess trying to process this emotional roller coaster called adoption. We are all trying our best here. Some days hearts are happy and satisfied; some days hearts are broken. Being thirty-six gives me some advantage to these littles. I can take a deep breath; I can see just enough of life through my little window to know we are all in process; I can rely on the promises from God. I know my 7 and 8-year-old can only see this moment what they need, or want, or feel. 

ENTER (stage right): next life struggle Delays in houses, or contracts at work, or sickness, or vehicle troubles - any old combination of trouble will suffice in revealing that I myself am a little girl with limited perspective and a sometimes short-sighted kind of faith. I am, at times, my girls.

I riffle the pages of my Bible for a couple of my favorites. The pages are well-creased, easily separating for me to find truths. Even well-loved, easily-quoted, true promises need reread and reread in times of troubles. I think that's how we can live in James chapter one: Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

For me, it seems to be anyway. To find joy in my trials, I have to reread and hold close those truths that I, just moments before, had been tempted to think I knew so well. However, new trials bring fresh emotions. New opportunities to have truth become real as we abide in Him. First Peter writes encouragement as well: In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

This verse takes me back to a few years ago during a crisis of faith. It was a time in my life when I knew God was real, but I wasn't too convinced that I liked Him. Typing that today makes me cringe. However, when I had a working definition of the goodness of God based on how comfortable my life was, I struggled. In this verse, I caught a glimmer of hope because even though I was indeed grieved by various trials, faith remained. Even with my view of God askew and my hope placed emotionally in any old place I could put it to survive my days, my faith existed. I could not abandon God; by His grace, I was sustained. My faith was small and fragile and sickly, but it was. I was so thankful.

In the years since, that seed has grown and flourished. I do have times of struggle still. As I mentioned, sometimes I look like my girls. However, with truth living and growing in my heart, my faith is not so fragile or sickly at this time. Thanks be to God. Today as I read that verse, my prayers for the praise and glory and honor of God refocus my eyes on the "Author and Finisher" of my faith. It makes it possible to choose to believe in eternal truths and let those preserve me through whatever trouble.

Finally, I am thumbing to second Corinthians. It is one of my truest comforts. Chapter four is to me, a cherished, hallowed, resting place for my heart. The whole chapter is precious to me. Today, however, I start with verse seven: But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. What treasure is this? Verse six sings to my heart: [God] has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. What a truth! In this little old, completely imperfect jar of my life, is kept the light - the light of the knowledge of the glory of God - and it was given to me in Jesus. O, the wonder of it all! Then Paul's letter goes on and shows me the ways that Jesus gives life in my hardship. Truth only continues to encourage. Finally, one of my sacred life verses of late at the end of the chapter: So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for you an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient but the things that are unseen are eternal. My heart is invited to rest.

So, Heart, be still and trust. Abandon your short-sighted faith for the reassuring, eternal promises of God.

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wobbly

7/16/2014

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It was a wobbly start even though my six-year-old looked confident as she
picked up her bike.  A breeze whipped her hair across her face as she looked
over her shoulder to throw me a smile and to make sure I was there, watching. 
She had protestingly donned jeans, ever my skirt wearer.  Last year, she had
finished the best part of bike season fairly proficient.  We had even biked
together, though a little precariously, in the addition where we live.  Now, at
her first attempt this year, she expected the best.  However, the bike wobbled
under her as her muscle memory geared up for the first time in months.  She fell
over several times.  It actually took a couple of days for her, but soon she was
riding confidently and feeling rather happy, I would say.

My bike wobbled too as my friend told me they were headed back to the
hospital with her little girl.  I was walking along just fine when God asked me
to start riding again.  I too glanced over my shoulder to make sure He was
there.  I got out my bible and let truth sink into my heart from passages that
had sustained my life more than once in storms.  A couple of the pages seemed to
fall open to these deep, life-preserving verses.  Others stayed hidden deep in
my own rusty "muscle memory".  A slightly easier season of life had allowed my
muscles to weaken a bit as I focused on other things.  Now my heart demanded
them to do their job.  I found myself reminded of my desperate need of
Jesus.

So with It is Well playing in the background, I got on my
bike.  I flexed my memory, "Is it first Corinthians four or second Corinthians?" 
I checked both and reread, "Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly
we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far  outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is  unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."


I climbed back up on the bike and unsteadily rode toward Jesus.  The process
of surrender and trust is a wobbly one at times, at least for me.  The drive for
me to encourage my friend with life-giving truth and not just kind words makes
me get back up when I fall. 

However, I gained strength and momentum in the riding.

Paul reminded me of my aim in Philippians 3, "that I may know Him and the
power of His resurrection, and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in  his death."
  The courage God gave to the early disciples in Acts 14 gave courage
to me, "strengthening the souls of the disciples, encouraging them to continue  in the faith, and saying that through many tribulations we must enter the  kingdom of God."  Jesus' life itself begets strength in Hebrews 5, "Although He  (Jesus) was a son, He learned obedience through what He suffered."  

I continued reading reminding myself of our sovereign God, our great
treasure.  As I focus my mind willfully on who He is, my heart fills with love,
adoration, and gratefulness.  When the God of the universe promises Himself as
Abraham's very own shield (Genesis 15), when He guarantees the priestly tribe of
the Levites the inheritance of Himself (Deuteronomy 18), I find myself saying,
"Lord, I want You as my shield and inheritance!"  

"You are my portion and my cup...indeed I have a beautiful inheritance,"
Psalm 16 declares.  "May all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You! May those  who love Your salvation say evermore, 'God is great!'" Psalm 70:4 sings.  "You  are good and do good; teach me Your statutes," Psalm 119:68 reminds.

I am biking hard now in hot pursuit of God instead of my own understanding,
and there is indeed the fullness of joy in His presence.
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my very present help

2/7/2014

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Seeking out a quiet moment, a quiet corner in the bustling hotel lobby for  reflection.  Desiring not only quiet for my ears, but a quiet for my heart as  well.  The past month has seemed in many ways like a bad dream.  Trouble upon trouble seemed to be heaped upon those we love.

Sorrows.  Trials.  Troubles.  The Word is full of them.  Life is full of  them.  Thankfully, God is our refuge.  God is our refuge and strength a very present help in trouble.  Psalm 46:1  Aw.... I breathe deep and feel
relieved.  He is my help in trouble.  Although, when I continue reading the next  two verses they do not seem at first to comfort.

Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the
mountains tremble at its swelling.


No promises of the trouble-free life I want there.  In fact its an extreme  situation - a calamity - the psalmist offers in illustration.  Though the earth give way...

There's been more than once when I felt like the earth of my life was giving  way: husband's years of illness and hospital visits, the crushing diagnosis of  infertility, parents' divorce, death of a dear friend.  Some bad theology and a little bit of life can swallow you up in the giving way of life's earth.

However, what I found as I sifted through the Word  in the midst of my complete sense of loss as hardships collided - there was God.  There He was not leaving.  There He was not forsaking.  There He was giving purpose to my pain.  There He was promising that He indeed was enough.  

It felt strange to me as I began to find comfort in His promise of troubles.  I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.  In the  world, you will have tribulation.  But take heart, I have overcome the world.  (John 16:33) His promise of goodness (followed by a list of hardships) gave me hope.  He who did not spare His own Son but gave him up for us all, how
will he not also with him graciously give us all things?( Romans 8:32)
  His instructions to look toward eternity started to take root and grow in my heart. 
For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of  glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen  For the things that are seen are transient, but the  things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:17,18)  

It was amazing to me that after years of worry, anger, sadness over our own continued troubles, I began to experience real freedom by focusing on Him and
trusting in Him.  As He worked miracle after miracle in my heart, my life exploded; and I began to experience what I would call an abundant life.

The kind of life where the rivers of living water flow freely from "your  belly" and not from simple head knowledge.  The kind of life where the belief that ALL things being created for Him sustains a trust in Him that defies natural human inclination.   

The kind of life where troubles are a key to a door to God.  The gift of understanding my dependence on God coupled with His sustaining grace has been invaluable as His answer continues to be a painful "wait" in areas of our lives.  I know Him better and long for Him more than ever before.  The trials remind me  that this life is not my home and that the promise of eternity holds the promise  of a pain-free life.  

Reading the rest of that Psalm with this wholehearted trust in Him is then  very reassuring. Now I can see the whole of it, "Let the worst come, and I will be your refuge and your very present help in that trouble." 

And that, indeed,  is comforting. 

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untitled

12/5/2013

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Sometimes words just don't suffice.

My heart is heavy and even the most carefully chosen, thoughtfully descriptive words cannot convey the its emotion today.

I've many times thought about narratives from the Bible - how much unrecorded agony (and joy) are left to be imagined by the readers.  Years passed with Joseph in prison, long agonizing hours of Christ on the cross, hundreds of years as slaves in Egypt - summed up in mere sentences.

As several dear families in our life live through their own valleys, I carry a burden for them.  A burden to be heard and understood, to not be forgotten.  To not have their sorrows be a short sentence in our life at present.

I remember an amazing moment years ago when I was sharing with a dear friend some of the struggles that we were going through with Brad's health at the time.  She stopped and asked me to wait as she imagined what it was like to be me.  She validated the gravity of my emotions, the stress of my life, and attempted to put herself in my place.

That was a monumental moment.  Many people offered sympathies or encouraging words at appropriate times.  But, she tried to walk with me.

And in a time when I was convinced I needed to be strong, it felt good to be weak and needy.

She wept with one who was weeping inside.

I would ask you to pray for my nephew, my cousin, my dear friend's daughter, my tornado victim friends if God reminds you.... but I also know that you have your own friends with their own needs.

Church, our brothers and sisters around us are in desperate need for support. 
Body of Christ, the lost and dying world is in desperate need of love and hope.

As hard as we may look for the perfect Christmas gift this month, let us look even more dedicated for those in need and then lay our lives down to love.

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.
1 John 3:18

Rejoice with those who rejoice,
weep with those who weep.
Romans 12:15
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 你好

8/10/2013

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the day that china came to us felt special, but i didn't know how special.

i picked our exchange student up at the airport in great excitement.  she was sweet and kind.  i am mesmerized by her culture.   i am intrigued by her family and her life a world away. 

but what floored me was my american.  my little american gave up her bed, her room, access to some of her very most important toys without complaint.  i watched her as she walked unknowingly in Christ's footsteps, and i marveled.

while i've been trying to prepare my american for the losing of "life" that finds true life, i was not expecting to see the beautiful reflection of truth in my young daughter's eyes yet.

while there's lots of sad news - hard news in the world, i look at my daughter and see hope.  i see good news - The Good News. 

welcome, our china doll. 

welcome, Jesus.

"For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."  Matthew 16:25
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when nothing in particular is something very specific

2/8/2013

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nobody knows exactly how long joseph was in prison.  it's something like more than 2 years and less than 13.  i recently googled the history of joseph and found that it is contained in about 23 chapters in genesis.  however, the actual account of his time is jail is a little less than 2 and a half chapters and that hits very specific highlights. 

i look at that and think to myself, even only 2 years of prison time deserves more space.  what was going on in those years?  that intrigues me about reading history.  lapsed years are indicated by a few words.

we've lived here for almost 3 months.  sometimes i feel i need to justify that we are not starting some sort of ministry yet or giving more at established ministries.  and you know, maybe nobody puts that expectation on us, but i have.

until recently.

somehow my heart has begun to really embrace what we are called to at this season.  i want to trust in God's timing, not in my expectations or what i think others are expecting of me.  i want to embrace this deep and meaningful work that God is indeed doing in me.  i want to rejoice and enjoy the changes i watch in brad daily.  

i want to embrace the passage of time in our lives when someone else would look in and maybe record little in our biography, but we would know.  because we experience the calling to the Word.  we see the passions stirring in us.  we encounter the lesson that only God can suffice in today's need.  we learn the value in the process of patiently cultivating relationships.

we dream often about reaching out to our world in ways we haven't yet.  but it seems to be God's desire for us to wait and grow in us patience, hunger for Him, dependence on Him.

and that is deep, meaningful, important work that i don't want to rush through for the sake of answering my own or others' expectations.  that would be idolatry.

my soul, wait silently for God alone,
       for my expectation is from Him.  
                        psalm 62:5



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treasured things

10/16/2012

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the sign out front says sold now.  but in my heart that transition was well under way over a year ago.  it began the day that brad and i sat across from each other and answered the question:  how do we give Jesus more?

even after the decision was made and it was what i wanted to do, the mystery of human emotion kissed my memory with recollections of gatherings with friends and family, amia's first steps, euchre nights, warm fires on cold nights.  lots of memories were made here in our first home.

these are sweet things - treasured things.  however, all of that is tapered with the biblical idea that this world is not our home.  for me personally, leaving this place is indicative of that.  it is a tangible reminder to my intangible soul that i don't live for me.

these treasured things are tucked tightly away in my heart as i look with anticipation at an unknown future.

the death of this way of life is not painful, as i anticipated, but joyful.  perhaps noisy neighbors will make it painful...  or any number of other commonalities of apartment living.  :)

but i suspect that perhaps the expansion of God's kingdom in me personally will be its own consolation and among my most treasured things regardless of what situations come.

God, please make it so.

may God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face to shine upon us,  that Your way may be known on earth, Your saving power among all nations. psalm 67:1,2

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sign in the yard

9/5/2012

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"For whosoever would save his life shall lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it."

Jesus' words from Luke 9 rattled around in my head like a jar full of change that had been dropped on the floor.  Pennies and nickels of scripture rolled down the stairs of my life and continued spinning and rolling in every direction in my mind - under furniture, down registers, and continued into the hidden places in my heart.  It was loud.  When it all stopped and lay still and silent, I could not deny its effect.

It was a mess.  My life had been simply sweet.  Even with the heartaches of our infertility and Brad's continued health issues, we were grateful to God and truly happy about life and love.

However, nearly a year ago, I surveyed my life and found that I did love my life and my family - which is wonderful and godly - but I was loving it more than Jesus.  Which, according to plenty of scriptures, is not true discipleship.

OK... (deep breath)... so I confessed to Brad my thoughts and inhibitions.  As it turned out, he'd been having his own similar struggles.  It felt incredible as our conversations shifted over the course of a couple months from the disconnect we felt between the scriptures and our lives to what course of action should be taken to rectify it.

How do we give Jesus more?  How do we give more time to those hurting?  More money to those in need?  Both of us quickly realized that we needed to get out of this house.  Even though we knew that the house upkeep took time and money, there was another element.  It provided a place for us to hide.  We could love each other, invest in one another here in this home as we worked to maintain and improve it.  To us, it began to feel so... small.  Our family of 3 in a world of 7 billion.   We knew God was calling us to something more.  The idea of moving intimidated and excited us.  We discussed it and prayed about it for a couple months until we could avoid it no longer.  It was our next course of action.

Jesus' words seem weightier.
Paul's admonitions seem more real.
Our hearts are embracing the idea of not only, "Life is short, "  but also, that what really matters is eternity.  We've decided to flesh that out with a sign in our yard.

I don't know if there will be a buyer.
Regardless, I know we are different.

And that doesn't feel good, it feels great.
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the toilet paper of life

2/25/2012

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it's the end of the roll. 
are you going to change it?

yep, that's my question. 

after living in the miracle of last summer in my life, after awakening to the truth of my lack of surrender and finally surrendering, after basking in the relaxation and the "warmth" (for lack of a better word) that is His presence,  i've reached a new "end of myself" with Him.  it differs tremendously  from the painful experience of last summer's initial surrender.  this one feels more matter of fact and less emotional - there's no other choice but to change it.  and while it's not a comfortable change, it is something i want to do.

have you reached a point in your life when you said to yourself, "it's do or die."  you felt the pressing of the Spirit, perhaps the conviction or the questioning, the true reflecting of your life which requires change.  you have left the sermon, the quiet time, the recently read book, or an intense conversation challenged to change.  you sensed the unsettling in your soul that kept you awake at night and greeted you again in the morning.  although, in the morning the greeting is quieter.  and given a couple days you can silence it all together.

with the passage of time and the distractions of life, what at one time felt like a "must" starts to feel like maybe a passing idea and eventually is forgotten all together.

i fear that with the current stirrings in my heart...   that's why i am wholeheartedly pursing the path less traveled in my life.  i'm changing the roll because i don't ever want to be satisfied with something less than full.

full life.  abundant life.  do you have it?  it's not only a truth for eternity beyond this experience in the world, it's for now.  it's worth the change.  it's worth the surrender.  truly experiencing Him and genuinely knowing Him is worth the commitment and risk of doing what is now's "must".  don't delay and miss the "must" that pulls you into the abundance that Christ promised.  hold me accountable in the same; i beg you.

I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. John 10:10
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the gentleman

8/7/2011

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through these months of silence, i've experienced some of the deepest valleys of my emotional life.  i cannot compare my experience with those of others that i know personally who have also suffered much more than i have.  however, it was, for me, suffering all the same.

it was deep darkness.  it was complete isolation.  it was, at points, despair.

but God.

just when i doubted i could take another breath, i did.  and then somehow, God sustained my life for another... and then another. 

you know how people say all the time that "God is a gentleman" and "He won't barge His way in" and what not?  i can't subscribe to that theory as a Christian.  i suppose there is the proverbial door at which Christ stands and knocks (to the church in revelation 3) waiting for them to open it.  although, my question now is: was it meant as a light rap or as a pounding?

while it is true that God is a gentleman in the sense that He is gentle towards me, there has been little of what i wanted in my life of late and a whole lot of what He did.  that sounds more like Lord than a polite, mannerly acquaintance.

the past 8 months (and in retrospect, well before that) have been ones where God has completely pushed me into a corner and waited out my fight or flight reflex.  psychologically speaking, i had a process to go through as part of the work He was purposing in me. 

part in which was the complete act of surrender.  while i knew a lot about it and wholeheartedly believed in it, it was becoming clear to me (once shoved in the corner) that i wasn't.  i clung to any resemblance of normalcy and sprinkled the Word on top.  it wasn't intentional avoidance of surrender.  it was just me, being the best version of myself that i could, coping through the most difficult time in my life.

but God. 

the other part of the process was really believing with all my emotions what i believed intellectually about God.  my heart did not trust God or run to Hiim for help when life was troubled....  i created a response from my self-persevering, survival mode which did not embrace the bigness of God, the power of God, nor in reality the love of God.

but God.

so He backed me into the hardest corner of my life, stood right there the whole time saying to me, "there's another way to live," while i totally despaired because of my disbelief.  and finally, when emotionally, psychologically, physically i could stand it no longer in that corner, in that despair, in that pain, i said, "okay."

and though that may not sound very gentlemanly to you, it was the kindest thing He's ever done for me.  in that moment and in the weeks that have passed, my life has radically changed.  the pain is still there, but it is lessened in His brilliance.  as i stare in awe at the Author and Finisher of my faith, the One who gave His life, the Sustainer of my soul, there is more joy than sadness, more beauty than ashes, more life than death.

the joy is unspeakable and full of glory. 
no kidding.

and the "suffering" feels more like the light and momentary affliction paul talks about in corinthians.

i can't say it enough:  thanks, God, with all my heart. 


in this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials,  that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,  whom having not seen you love.  though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls.  1 Peter 1:6-9
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