nobody knows exactly how long joseph was in prison.  it's something like more than 2 years and less than 13.  i recently googled the history of joseph and found that it is contained in about 23 chapters in genesis.  however, the actual account of his time is jail is a little less than 2 and a half chapters and that hits very specific highlights. 

i look at that and think to myself, even only 2 years of prison time deserves more space.  what was going on in those years?  that intrigues me about reading history.  lapsed years are indicated by a few words.

we've lived here for almost 3 months.  sometimes i feel i need to justify that we are not starting some sort of ministry yet or giving more at established ministries.  and you know, maybe nobody puts that expectation on us, but i have.

until recently.

somehow my heart has begun to really embrace what we are called to at this season.  i want to trust in God's timing, not in my expectations or what i think others are expecting of me.  i want to embrace this deep and meaningful work that God is indeed doing in me.  i want to rejoice and enjoy the changes i watch in brad daily.  

i want to embrace the passage of time in our lives when someone else would look in and maybe record little in our biography, but we would know.  because we experience the calling to the Word.  we see the passions stirring in us.  we encounter the lesson that only God can suffice in today's need.  we learn the value in the process of patiently cultivating relationships.

we dream often about reaching out to our world in ways we haven't yet.  but it seems to be God's desire for us to wait and grow in us patience, hunger for Him, dependence on Him.

and that is deep, meaningful, important work that i don't want to rush through for the sake of answering my own or others' expectations.  that would be idolatry.

my soul, wait silently for God alone,
       for my expectation is from Him.  
                        psalm 62:5

as i look around our new space, i smile.  i like it.  it's simple.  it's easy to care for.  i LOVE that because i don't love cleaning but want things clean.

the temptation of early morning entertainment of FB, email, TV shows and news headlines has been eliminated by the placement of our computer.  i LOVE that because i enjoy entertaining myself (uninterrupted while munchkin sleeps) but tend to overindulge.

it's small.  we got rid of lots of stuff so we could fit in this space and not rent a storage unit.  i LOVE that because i always thought i could get by on less, and now i know i can.

and yet, to be perfectly honest, there's a temptation to take my eyes off Jesus and compare myself to cultural norms.  there is a pull inside of me to give amia certain things, portray myself in a certain way, relate to my friends in a particular habit.  

i have the shameful ability to attempt to honor myself instead my Lord.  it's sneaky - often completely indiscernible to me.  i miss the skewed motivation in my heart.  my head convinces me that all is well.  it's the dilemma of those infamous 18 inches.

moving knowledge from my head into my heart is assuredly astronomically above my natural ability.  that is supernatural work for my supernatural God.  as i struggle in the discipline of seeking Him in His Word, i find the miracle of my heart creeping towards Him.  

whom i look at (Jesus) from which position (head or heart) matters.

God, please make these 18 inches on the short side, i just want more of You.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and who is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.  Hebrews 12:1,2

the sign out front says sold now.  but in my heart that transition was well under way over a year ago.  it began the day that brad and i sat across from each other and answered the question:  how do we give Jesus more?

even after the decision was made and it was what i wanted to do, the mystery of human emotion kissed my memory with recollections of gatherings with friends and family, amia's first steps, euchre nights, warm fires on cold nights.  lots of memories were made here in our first home.

these are sweet things - treasured things.  however, all of that is tapered with the biblical idea that this world is not our home.  for me personally, leaving this place is indicative of that.  it is a tangible reminder to my intangible soul that i don't live for me.

these treasured things are tucked tightly away in my heart as i look with anticipation at an unknown future.

the death of this way of life is not painful, as i anticipated, but joyful.  perhaps noisy neighbors will make it painful...  or any number of other commonalities of apartment living.  :)

but i suspect that perhaps the expansion of God's kingdom in me personally will be its own consolation and among my most treasured things regardless of what situations come.

God, please make it so.

may God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face to shine upon us,  that Your way may be known on earth, Your saving power among all nations. psalm 67:1,2

"For whosoever would save his life shall lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it."

Jesus' words from Luke 9 rattled around in my head like a jar full of change that had been dropped on the floor.  Pennies and nickels of scripture rolled down the stairs of my life and continued spinning and rolling in every direction in my mind - under furniture, down registers, and continued into the hidden places in my heart.  It was loud.  When it all stopped and lay still and silent, I could not deny its effect.

It was a mess.  My life had been simply sweet.  Even with the heartaches of our infertility and Brad's continued health issues, we were grateful to God and truly happy about life and love.

However, nearly a year ago, I surveyed my life and found that I did love my life and my family - which is wonderful and godly - but I was loving it more than Jesus.  Which, according to plenty of scriptures, is not true discipleship.

OK... (deep breath)... so I confessed to Brad my thoughts and inhibitions.  As it turned out, he'd been having his own similar struggles.  It felt incredible as our conversations shifted over the course of a couple months from the disconnect we felt between the scriptures and our lives to what course of action should be taken to rectify it.

How do we give Jesus more?  How do we give more time to those hurting?  More money to those in need?  Both of us quickly realized that we needed to get out of this house.  Even though we knew that the house upkeep took time and money, there was another element.  It provided a place for us to hide.  We could love each other, invest in one another here in this home as we worked to maintain and improve it.  To us, it began to feel so... small.  Our family of 3 in a world of 7 billion.   We knew God was calling us to something more.  The idea of moving intimidated and excited us.  We discussed it and prayed about it for a couple months until we could avoid it no longer.  It was our next course of action.

Jesus' words seem weightier.
Paul's admonitions seem more real.
Our hearts are embracing the idea of not only, "Life is short, "  but also, that what really matters is eternity.  We've decided to flesh that out with a sign in our yard.

I don't know if there will be a buyer.
Regardless, I know we are different.

And that doesn't feel good, it feels great.