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wobbly

7/16/2014

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It was a wobbly start even though my six-year-old looked confident as she
picked up her bike.  A breeze whipped her hair across her face as she looked
over her shoulder to throw me a smile and to make sure I was there, watching. 
She had protestingly donned jeans, ever my skirt wearer.  Last year, she had
finished the best part of bike season fairly proficient.  We had even biked
together, though a little precariously, in the addition where we live.  Now, at
her first attempt this year, she expected the best.  However, the bike wobbled
under her as her muscle memory geared up for the first time in months.  She fell
over several times.  It actually took a couple of days for her, but soon she was
riding confidently and feeling rather happy, I would say.

My bike wobbled too as my friend told me they were headed back to the
hospital with her little girl.  I was walking along just fine when God asked me
to start riding again.  I too glanced over my shoulder to make sure He was
there.  I got out my bible and let truth sink into my heart from passages that
had sustained my life more than once in storms.  A couple of the pages seemed to
fall open to these deep, life-preserving verses.  Others stayed hidden deep in
my own rusty "muscle memory".  A slightly easier season of life had allowed my
muscles to weaken a bit as I focused on other things.  Now my heart demanded
them to do their job.  I found myself reminded of my desperate need of
Jesus.

So with It is Well playing in the background, I got on my
bike.  I flexed my memory, "Is it first Corinthians four or second Corinthians?" 
I checked both and reread, "Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly
we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far  outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is  unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

I climbed back up on the bike and unsteadily rode toward Jesus.  The process
of surrender and trust is a wobbly one at times, at least for me.  The drive for
me to encourage my friend with life-giving truth and not just kind words makes
me get back up when I fall. 

However, I gained strength and momentum in the riding.

Paul reminded me of my aim in Philippians 3, "that I may know Him and the
power of His resurrection, and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in  his death."  The courage God gave to the early disciples in Acts 14 gave courage
to me, "strengthening the souls of the disciples, encouraging them to continue  in the faith, and saying that through many tribulations we must enter the  kingdom of God."  Jesus' life itself begets strength in Hebrews 5, "Although He  (Jesus) was a son, He learned obedience through what He suffered."  

I continued reading reminding myself of our sovereign God, our great
treasure.  As I focus my mind willfully on who He is, my heart fills with love,
adoration, and gratefulness.  When the God of the universe promises Himself as
Abraham's very own shield (Genesis 15), when He guarantees the priestly tribe of
the Levites the inheritance of Himself (Deuteronomy 18), I find myself saying,
"Lord, I want You as my shield and inheritance!"  

"You are my portion and my cup...indeed I have a beautiful inheritance,"
Psalm 16 declares.  "May all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You! May those  who love Your salvation say evermore, 'God is great!'" Psalm 70:4 sings.  "You  are good and do good; teach me Your statutes," Psalm 119:68 reminds.

I am biking hard now in hot pursuit of God instead of my own understanding,
and there is indeed the fullness of joy in His presence.
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my very present help

2/7/2014

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Seeking out a quiet moment, a quiet corner in the bustling hotel lobby for  reflection.  Desiring not only quiet for my ears, but a quiet for my heart as  well.  The past month has seemed in many ways like a bad dream.  Trouble upon trouble seemed to be heaped upon those we love.

Sorrows.  Trials.  Troubles.  The Word is full of them.  Life is full of  them.  Thankfully, God is our refuge.  God is our refuge and strength a very present help in trouble.  Psalm 46:1  Aw.... I breathe deep and feel
relieved.  He is my help in trouble.  Although, when I continue reading the next  two verses they do not seem at first to comfort.

Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the
mountains tremble at its swelling.

No promises of the trouble-free life I want there.  In fact its an extreme  situation - a calamity - the psalmist offers in illustration.  Though the earth give way...

There's been more than once when I felt like the earth of my life was giving  way: husband's years of illness and hospital visits, the crushing diagnosis of  infertility, parents' divorce, death of a dear friend.  Some bad theology and a little bit of life can swallow you up in the giving way of life's earth.

However, what I found as I sifted through the Word  in the midst of my complete sense of loss as hardships collided - there was God.  There He was not leaving.  There He was not forsaking.  There He was giving purpose to my pain.  There He was promising that He indeed was enough.  

It felt strange to me as I began to find comfort in His promise of troubles.  I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.  In the  world, you will have tribulation.  But take heart, I have overcome the world.  (John 16:33) His promise of goodness (followed by a list of hardships) gave me hope.  He who did not spare His own Son but gave him up for us all, how
will he not also with him graciously give us all things?( Romans 8:32)  His instructions to look toward eternity started to take root and grow in my heart. 
For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of  glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen  For the things that are seen are transient, but the  things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:17,18)  

It was amazing to me that after years of worry, anger, sadness over our own continued troubles, I began to experience real freedom by focusing on Him and
trusting in Him.  As He worked miracle after miracle in my heart, my life exploded; and I began to experience what I would call an abundant life.

The kind of life where the rivers of living water flow freely from "your  belly" and not from simple head knowledge.  The kind of life where the belief that ALL things being created for Him sustains a trust in Him that defies natural human inclination.   

The kind of life where troubles are a key to a door to God.  The gift of understanding my dependence on God coupled with His sustaining grace has been invaluable as His answer continues to be a painful "wait" in areas of our lives.  I know Him better and long for Him more than ever before.  The trials remind me  that this life is not my home and that the promise of eternity holds the promise  of a pain-free life.  

Reading the rest of that Psalm with this wholehearted trust in Him is then  very reassuring. Now I can see the whole of it, "Let the worst come, and I will be your refuge and your very present help in that trouble." 

And that, indeed,  is comforting. 

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untitled

12/5/2013

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Sometimes words just don't suffice.

My heart is heavy and even the most carefully chosen, thoughtfully descriptive words cannot convey the its emotion today.

I've many times thought about narratives from the Bible - how much unrecorded agony (and joy) are left to be imagined by the readers.  Years passed with Joseph in prison, long agonizing hours of Christ on the cross, hundreds of years as slaves in Egypt - summed up in mere sentences.

As several dear families in our life live through their own valleys, I carry a burden for them.  A burden to be heard and understood, to not be forgotten.  To not have their sorrows be a short sentence in our life at present.

I remember an amazing moment years ago when I was sharing with a dear friend some of the struggles that we were going through with Brad's health at the time.  She stopped and asked me to wait as she imagined what it was like to be me.  She validated the gravity of my emotions, the stress of my life, and attempted to put herself in my place.

That was a monumental moment.  Many people offered sympathies or encouraging words at appropriate times.  But, she tried to walk with me.

And in a time when I was convinced I needed to be strong, it felt good to be weak and needy.

She wept with one who was weeping inside.

I would ask you to pray for my nephew, my cousin, my dear friend's daughter, my tornado victim friends if God reminds you.... but I also know that you have your own friends with their own needs.

Church, our brothers and sisters around us are in desperate need for support. 
Body of Christ, the lost and dying world is in desperate need of love and hope.

As hard as we may look for the perfect Christmas gift this month, let us look even more dedicated for those in need and then lay our lives down to love.

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.
1 John 3:18

Rejoice with those who rejoice,
weep with those who weep.
Romans 12:15
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the gps: my own personal mirror

2/4/2011

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it hit me like a ton of bricks.  it must be some suppressed issue from a childhood incident, right?  or maybe some relational neglect or oppression...  or, maybe, just maybe, it's human nature.  and when it is left unchecked, unnoticed, unrestrained it becomes what i have: distrust.

it became perfectly clear to me on a recent trip to indianapolis. 

i was headed to a restaurant that i had been to once before, though not for a long time.  i knew the general vicinity, had snagged the address off the internet, and grabbed the garmin.  (yes, we finally jumped on the band wagon when presented at christmas time with the gadget.  now we are proud owners of what my so-non-gadget-husband swears we have always needed.)  i typed in the address and merrily pulled out of our garage listening to one of my favorite radio talk shows.

there weren't any "problems" until i got closer to my destination.  i was about 15 minutes away when i started wishing that i could see the whole map.  i found myself driving and attempting to figure out how to see more than just my next turn.   zoom in...  zoom out...  menu...  i was surprisingly uncomfortable not knowing a couple moves ahead.  and i laughed nervously out loud at myself and my discomfort and my distrust.

okay, you can wipe that smirk off your face now.  maybe you laugh because you know how to operate this sensational piece of equipment; and you are enjoying my complete, total ineptness.  perhaps that deserves a laugh.

or, maybe you shake your head because you know the secret of the abiding.  you have walked with God in tough spots and know unwaveringly in the deepest crevasses of your heart the confidence that comes in walking with Him.

i have abided too at times...  only unknowingly disconnecting myself from Him to try to control my situation.  but, i have to abide today - february 4, 2011.  it's been a different sort of challenge for me to trust him 2,500 some days into a disease than day one.

but, you know what?  i like it.   i like that 7 years calls me to uncover my embarrassing distrust, my ugly unbelief that can only truly be shown to me at this juncture.  when i can see the problem, i have the chance to know the depth of freedom, miraculous mercy, and  unending grace at work in my life.  that makes me want to wipe His feet with my tears of gratitude.  then, take a deep breath  - and trust again today.
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still dirty

12/15/2010

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a year after our remodel there is still a problem.  in our gorgeous new fern green bathroom with white trim and a perfectly modern, yet simple sink hides a problem.  the typical visitor has no idea that the issue lives on.  i cannot forget that it's there.

we've really been using the space for less than a year which may not seem so long to some, but when your battling with "all but finishing up" part it's a long time.  at first i had to remind myself that we (well, my husband and father-in-law more accurately - i made sandwiches and watched our daughter) moved the pipes around.  i pestered my husband, "are you sure that's okay?"  i questioned my father-in-law, "is that normal?"  "yes" and "it will clear out" was always the reply, and yet it remains.

dirt.  down right yucky dirt in my clean, still new bathtub.  and my daughter loves to bathe there.  she's outgrown the sink and can seldom be lured into a shower.  each time i drain her water i flinch at what remains and swallow my desire to be angry at the old pipes or my husband who moved them.

and then the other day it dawned on me that that bathtub and those pipes illustrated my life.  as crazy as it sounds, it does.  God's been giving me a new way to think about Him and approach Him.  recently i feel the invitation to be a selfish, trusting child with Him that i never have allowed myself to be.  always over-spiritualizing my request.  always servicing the idea of surrender meanwhile convincing myself to maintain a sense of control.  and while i find myself in a new "bathroom" furnished with the semblance of childlike faith, dirt still comes out of my old cynical, controlling heart.

odd as that may be it's comforting.  at least i've got the tub.  that's a huge cry from where i started.  i am excited that God could fit me with new pipes somewhere in the depths of my walls.  i am relaxing again in the fact that this is a process... that this is my process. 

i intellectually understand that God can and is meeting me in this place.  emotionally, my heart is still playing catch up.   i am again building that history with Him... the history of His faithfulness and His genuine nearness to me.  so as i continue to walk on this road with my nemesis (aka Brad's disease), i am learning again that God really does walk with me, that His rod and His staff do comfort me, and He does prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies.

shake me, Lord.  let me see what's there and repent.  and then please give me the brand new waterways.

create in me a clean heart, o God.  psalm 51:12


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it just creeps in

9/26/2010

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After a long absence from this semi-vulnerable, yet completely genuine avenue of self-reflection, it's time to breathe again in the fresh air of expression.  All of us are given to some sort of expression, some sort of creative energy, some sort of extension of ourselves for the world, or at least those closest, to better know us.  Tonight I was reminded of that.  Tonight I begin again.

Lately, I've been mauling over the fact that I hold God completely responsible for all things good and all things bad in my life.  My cynical shield began regarding my husband's health, but it's moved on to other areas in my life.  Intellectually I believe and know what is true.  However, emotionally I can not cross the divide which keeps me from what I want most: peace. 

Not just any peace either.  The peace that carries you through the treacherous waters of a sustained illness.  The peace that wraps you in the cold winds of rumors and untruths.  The peace that reminds you who your Daddy is, and what your Daddy does, and how safe it is in His embrace.

The inviting idea of Him continues to knock at my heart, begging me to embrace my Father as a child.   He invites me closer to, as my three-year-old says, "get all snuggly."  I know she feels safe there.  I know I will too as I continue to shed my demands for answered questions and surrender to the idea that God is accountable to no one, most especially me, and that's a very good thing indeed.
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i am not the first.

4/26/2010

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 there is new hope for me.  for the first time in a long time, i relate to the psalmist in a deep and connected way.  i get the pain, anger, tears, intermingled with faith, hope, and praise.

i was driving into town to do the weekly grocery shopping, while confronting God again with some new information from my husband.  i was a bit demanding and definitely adamant.  how could He do this?  what does He want?  why does it continue to happen?

especially frustrated with forming new meanings to our situation and grappling with it in new ways, yet everything remains seemingly as before.  i am given to thinking, "okay, Lord, i'm getting it.  so, can we get out of it?"

maybe the corners of your mouth are slightly curved upward.  you also know what it's like to want to get out and feel like you've learned from your situation.  thanks, God, i'm changed.  i'm different.  i view You differently.  i view life differently.  thank You.  now, can we go back to normal?

i feel like my questions broadcast my inability to completely process the journey.  it shouts my state of nonsurrender.

and yet, i feel in good company.  the psalms record such prayers:

I say to God my Rock,  "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"  My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

Awake, O Lord! Why do you sleep?  Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever.  Why do you hide your face and forget our misery and oppression?

maybe it sounds sadistic in a way, but i am glad that others cried out to Him, had crazy-mixed up emotions, and questioned Him  simultaneously recentering and praising Him, including in the same psalms:

Put your hope in God,  for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

You are my King and my God, who decrees victories for Jacob.

In God we boast all day long, and we will praise your name forever.




all i know is that i have to keep running back to Him. 
     there is no one else to hope in. 
             no one.



we wait in hope for the LORD; He is our help and our shield. psalm 33:20
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not all days are bad.

4/16/2010

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so, what do you do with a good day? 

with his symptoms at bay and energy up, feelings of guilt chase me around as i enjoy a "normal" day. 

guilty feelings for questioning God, guilty feelings for frustrations past as i lived as a single parent at times, guilty feelings for not knowing better.

why must i feel bad for enjoying working around the house with my husband?  i relished watching him get up and feel like working.  not for "what" he was doing, but that we were doing life together... what i viewed as "normal" life.  how good it felt.  how wonderful to feel it.

the emotional roller coaster of disease is brutal and unforgiving.  it knows no mercy.

thankfully, God does.

and as He invites me into His presence, His mercy wraps me up and whispers, "enjoy."

because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. lamentations 3:22


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genuine

4/8/2010

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it's been a mess of a journey now for the past... hmm... year.  our road regarding my husband's health has never been paved with gold, but we've managed, you know?  we are and have been thankful for our incredible marriage and family and the ability/health to do what we can.

but the last year to year and a half has felt like a wringer... pressing, crushing, quashing.  at times, i cannot lie, it has felt like our very lives being wrung.  but mostly... usually, for me,  it is my faith.

and as i have questioned God, experienced deep anger and disappointment towards Him that I somehow circumvented these nearly 20 years i've loved Him, i have found that He is not intimidated by my pain or my questions.  my anger does not force Him to back away.  but instead, He moves in.

closer to me.  closer to my pain.  closer to my unanswered ideas about Him.  and He stays with me there. 

He is.

and that's beautiful.

moreover, recently reading 1 peter.... "genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine..."  i will say this about my journey thus far in the wringer of my faith... it remains.  though i have had messy spots, though i have experienced deeply troubling times... it still remains.  and the fact that it is genuine comforts me greatly and affirms my relationship with my God.  it carries me, albeit shakingly at times, to tomorrow.

i will never let you down, i will never walk off and leave you. hebrews 13:5
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spring's hope

4/7/2010

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driving to a new doctor's appointment today, i seemed to literally "feel" that warmth of spring and the hope that piggy backs in on green leaves and sunshine.  this morning's spring's emotions represented the hope that grew in my heart for the impending doctor's visit and what new perspectives she could bring to a stale, tiresome situation of my husband's health.  o! what i wouldn't give for some "spring rain" - and, yes, even a down pour - on this dormant ground of his health.

i walk away with mixed emotions.  i walk away saying to God, "here.  here's all of our money.  we still have no answers.  and i still have to trust You."

and i do.  ultimately, the other choice of not trusting Him is not only completely despairing, but absolutely wrong.  and i choose Him.

so i recenter my emotions... so as to not get hope from the light spring drizzle mingled with sunshine, but from the Rain-maker Himself, the Sun-birther.

i would have lost heart, unless i had believed that i would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.   psalm 27:13
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