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wobbly

7/16/2014

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It was a wobbly start even though my six-year-old looked confident as she
picked up her bike.  A breeze whipped her hair across her face as she looked
over her shoulder to throw me a smile and to make sure I was there, watching. 
She had protestingly donned jeans, ever my skirt wearer.  Last year, she had
finished the best part of bike season fairly proficient.  We had even biked
together, though a little precariously, in the addition where we live.  Now, at
her first attempt this year, she expected the best.  However, the bike wobbled
under her as her muscle memory geared up for the first time in months.  She fell
over several times.  It actually took a couple of days for her, but soon she was
riding confidently and feeling rather happy, I would say.

My bike wobbled too as my friend told me they were headed back to the
hospital with her little girl.  I was walking along just fine when God asked me
to start riding again.  I too glanced over my shoulder to make sure He was
there.  I got out my bible and let truth sink into my heart from passages that
had sustained my life more than once in storms.  A couple of the pages seemed to
fall open to these deep, life-preserving verses.  Others stayed hidden deep in
my own rusty "muscle memory".  A slightly easier season of life had allowed my
muscles to weaken a bit as I focused on other things.  Now my heart demanded
them to do their job.  I found myself reminded of my desperate need of
Jesus.

So with It is Well playing in the background, I got on my
bike.  I flexed my memory, "Is it first Corinthians four or second Corinthians?" 
I checked both and reread, "Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly
we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far  outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is  unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."


I climbed back up on the bike and unsteadily rode toward Jesus.  The process
of surrender and trust is a wobbly one at times, at least for me.  The drive for
me to encourage my friend with life-giving truth and not just kind words makes
me get back up when I fall. 

However, I gained strength and momentum in the riding.

Paul reminded me of my aim in Philippians 3, "that I may know Him and the
power of His resurrection, and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in  his death."
  The courage God gave to the early disciples in Acts 14 gave courage
to me, "strengthening the souls of the disciples, encouraging them to continue  in the faith, and saying that through many tribulations we must enter the  kingdom of God."  Jesus' life itself begets strength in Hebrews 5, "Although He  (Jesus) was a son, He learned obedience through what He suffered."  

I continued reading reminding myself of our sovereign God, our great
treasure.  As I focus my mind willfully on who He is, my heart fills with love,
adoration, and gratefulness.  When the God of the universe promises Himself as
Abraham's very own shield (Genesis 15), when He guarantees the priestly tribe of
the Levites the inheritance of Himself (Deuteronomy 18), I find myself saying,
"Lord, I want You as my shield and inheritance!"  

"You are my portion and my cup...indeed I have a beautiful inheritance,"
Psalm 16 declares.  "May all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You! May those  who love Your salvation say evermore, 'God is great!'" Psalm 70:4 sings.  "You  are good and do good; teach me Your statutes," Psalm 119:68 reminds.

I am biking hard now in hot pursuit of God instead of my own understanding,
and there is indeed the fullness of joy in His presence.
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the toilet paper of life

2/25/2012

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it's the end of the roll. 
are you going to change it?

yep, that's my question. 

after living in the miracle of last summer in my life, after awakening to the truth of my lack of surrender and finally surrendering, after basking in the relaxation and the "warmth" (for lack of a better word) that is His presence,  i've reached a new "end of myself" with Him.  it differs tremendously  from the painful experience of last summer's initial surrender.  this one feels more matter of fact and less emotional - there's no other choice but to change it.  and while it's not a comfortable change, it is something i want to do.

have you reached a point in your life when you said to yourself, "it's do or die."  you felt the pressing of the Spirit, perhaps the conviction or the questioning, the true reflecting of your life which requires change.  you have left the sermon, the quiet time, the recently read book, or an intense conversation challenged to change.  you sensed the unsettling in your soul that kept you awake at night and greeted you again in the morning.  although, in the morning the greeting is quieter.  and given a couple days you can silence it all together.

with the passage of time and the distractions of life, what at one time felt like a "must" starts to feel like maybe a passing idea and eventually is forgotten all together.

i fear that with the current stirrings in my heart...   that's why i am wholeheartedly pursing the path less traveled in my life.  i'm changing the roll because i don't ever want to be satisfied with something less than full.

full life.  abundant life.  do you have it?  it's not only a truth for eternity beyond this experience in the world, it's for now.  it's worth the change.  it's worth the surrender.  truly experiencing Him and genuinely knowing Him is worth the commitment and risk of doing what is now's "must".  don't delay and miss the "must" that pulls you into the abundance that Christ promised.  hold me accountable in the same; i beg you.

I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. John 10:10
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oops.

11/16/2011

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so the chapter was on forgiveness. 

and i tried very hard to be o-so humble in my heart because, well, i just don't have a hard time forgiving brad.  ...do you sense my humility there?

the truth is, he is fairly easy to forgive because he really is a GREAT guy.  couple that with the fact that i have needed him to forgive me for some major stuff keeps me in check.  i'm so grateful to him.  he's definitely owed some grace.

where the line started to blur for me was as i prayerfully analyzed my daily life.  it's not the we're-going-to-get-married-so-let-me-lay-out-all-my-baggage-for-you-and-see-if-you-still-want-me kind of grace.  we've been there.  our answer was obviously yes.

and it's not the i-know-i-screwed-up-royally-and-i-don't-know-if-you-will-still-say-yes kind of grace.  our answer has always been yes.  8 years of yeses.

it's the kind of forgiving that is required on a daily basis that i am cloudy on.  do i really forgive or do i just get distracted and forget?

and before i jump all over the forgetting part and promote myself with accolades of love, because i know that love covers a multitude of sins, i think i need to address my heart.  it's subtle and so easy to miss...

is it really covering the sin if i sweep it under the rug of my heart and move on?

or, is my heart revealed in the sweeping, in the avoiding nature of my heart?

instead of turning to God and working through my emotions and repenting for my own irritations which have started, i move on distracted by my day and, eventually, emotionally move on as well.

oops.

the forgiveness which the Lord stirs in my heart now is the forgiveness i need from Him.  being aware of my own sin in the midst of what may or may not be categorically brad's sinful decision, requires a level of reflection which i do not often practice.  to reflect requires energy from me.  self-discipline is also a must, accompanied by a genuine disdain for my own sin.

but hating brad's comes so much more naturally to me.

Lord, let your kindness lead me to repentance.
Romans 2:4

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