and i tried very hard to be o-so humble in my heart because, well, i just don't have a hard time forgiving brad. ...do you sense my humility there?
the truth is, he is fairly easy to forgive because he really is a GREAT guy. couple that with the fact that i have needed him to forgive me for some major stuff keeps me in check. i'm so grateful to him. he's definitely owed some grace.
where the line started to blur for me was as i prayerfully analyzed my daily life. it's not the we're-going-to-get-married-so-let-me-lay-out-all-my-baggage-for-you-and-see-if-you-still-want-me kind of grace. we've been there. our answer was obviously yes.
and it's not the i-know-i-screwed-up-royally-and-i-don't-know-if-you-will-still-say-yes kind of grace. our answer has always been yes. 8 years of yeses.
it's the kind of forgiving that is required on a daily basis that i am cloudy on. do i really forgive or do i just get distracted and forget?
and before i jump all over the forgetting part and promote myself with accolades of love, because i know that love covers a multitude of sins, i think i need to address my heart. it's subtle and so easy to miss...
is it really covering the sin if i sweep it under the rug of my heart and move on?
or, is my heart revealed in the sweeping, in the avoiding nature of my heart?
instead of turning to God and working through my emotions and repenting for my own irritations which have started, i move on distracted by my day and, eventually, emotionally move on as well.
the forgiveness which the Lord stirs in my heart now is the forgiveness i need from Him. being aware of my own sin in the midst of what may or may not be categorically brad's sinful decision, requires a level of reflection which i do not often practice. to reflect requires energy from me. self-discipline is also a must, accompanied by a genuine disdain for my own sin.
but hating brad's comes so much more naturally to me.
Lord, let your kindness lead me to repentance.