we've really been using the space for less than a year which may not seem so long to some, but when your battling with "all but finishing up" part it's a long time. at first i had to remind myself that we (well, my husband and father-in-law more accurately - i made sandwiches and watched our daughter) moved the pipes around. i pestered my husband, "are you sure that's okay?" i questioned my father-in-law, "is that normal?" "yes" and "it will clear out" was always the reply, and yet it remains.
dirt. down right yucky dirt in my clean, still new bathtub. and my daughter loves to bathe there. she's outgrown the sink and can seldom be lured into a shower. each time i drain her water i flinch at what remains and swallow my desire to be angry at the old pipes or my husband who moved them.
and then the other day it dawned on me that that bathtub and those pipes illustrated my life. as crazy as it sounds, it does. God's been giving me a new way to think about Him and approach Him. recently i feel the invitation to be a selfish, trusting child with Him that i never have allowed myself to be. always over-spiritualizing my request. always servicing the idea of surrender meanwhile convincing myself to maintain a sense of control. and while i find myself in a new "bathroom" furnished with the semblance of childlike faith, dirt still comes out of my old cynical, controlling heart.
odd as that may be it's comforting. at least i've got the tub. that's a huge cry from where i started. i am excited that God could fit me with new pipes somewhere in the depths of my walls. i am relaxing again in the fact that this is a process... that this is my process.
i intellectually understand that God can and is meeting me in this place. emotionally, my heart is still playing catch up. i am again building that history with Him... the history of His faithfulness and His genuine nearness to me. so as i continue to walk on this road with my nemesis (aka Brad's disease), i am learning again that God really does walk with me, that His rod and His staff do comfort me, and He does prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies.
shake me, Lord. let me see what's there and repent. and then please give me the brand new waterways.
create in me a clean heart, o God. psalm 51:12