i was driving into town to do the weekly grocery shopping, while confronting God again with some new information from my husband. i was a bit demanding and definitely adamant. how could He do this? what does He want? why does it continue to happen?
especially frustrated with forming new meanings to our situation and grappling with it in new ways, yet everything remains seemingly as before. i am given to thinking, "okay, Lord, i'm getting it. so, can we get out of it?"
maybe the corners of your mouth are slightly curved upward. you also know what it's like to want to get out and feel like you've learned from your situation. thanks, God, i'm changed. i'm different. i view You differently. i view life differently. thank You. now, can we go back to normal?
i feel like my questions broadcast my inability to completely process the journey. it shouts my state of nonsurrender.
and yet, i feel in good company. the psalms record such prayers:
I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?" My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
Awake, O Lord! Why do you sleep? Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever. Why do you hide your face and forget our misery and oppression?
maybe it sounds sadistic in a way, but i am glad that others cried out to Him, had crazy-mixed up emotions, and questioned Him simultaneously recentering and praising Him, including in the same psalms:
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
You are my King and my God, who decrees victories for Jacob.
In God we boast all day long, and we will praise your name forever.
all i know is that i have to keep running back to Him.
there is no one else to hope in.
we wait in hope for the LORD; He is our help and our shield. psalm 33:20